Man Fuck These Movies
This article is about venting my feelings on movies I feel the need to shout expletives at, but for whatever reason are not universally thought of as bad films. Don’t expect trash like Transformers or Alvin and the Chipmunks(my eyes and ears are still virginal too those bastards) in this list because everyone knows they suck. You may not agree with these opinions, but take them for what they are: my opinions on movies I have distaste for.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Gota say great premise. There’s a mole in the british spy division(or whatever) during the cold war and our retired spy has to investigate them to figure it out. Plus SO many good british actors, you got Gary Oldman, John Hurt, Colin Firth, and The Cumberbatch. So why then why did it have to be so dull? This movie loved showing us Oldman’s face for like minutes at a time. I couldn’t follow the plot really either. Maybe I was just tired, but I watched the whole movie waiting for that aha moment, but it never came. It just sort of ends like “Oh it was him. He’s the mole. Have a great night folks! badundundunda!” So why did so many people like this movie? It’s nothing but slow moving action a somewhat incoherent plot and add in the fact that I couldn’t tell if sometimes we were being shown something in the past or what the crap was going on. Fuck this movie.
Fuck a series of unfortunate events. It’s not funny, it’s not scary it doesn’t capture the greatness of the books(which I admit are not that great to begin with). So you make a movie, make Jim Carry the villain and expect anyone to take him seriously in that make up. They should have just told him to do his goofy shit because that would have worked better. Just to be clear this is not me saying this now. I haven’t watched this film in 6 or 7 years. That means when I was 10ish I knew this movie wasn’t good. Ok so let me back up. What makes this worse than the books?
Leme lay it down. The charm of the books lie in the increasingly weird shit(that they downplay in order for it to fit in a movie) that happens to the children and the bizarre, aware narration that Mr. Snicket himself brings to the table. Let me make this clear if you’ve only seen the movie OK: you know how that whole leech thing kinda was weird it gets WAY WEIRDER. And you get introduced to some truly memorable characters in the latter books. Then there’s the last book simply titled: The End(pretty good name if you ask me) that takes a really bizarre turn in tone, but one that I found myself enjoying immensely. This movie has none of that. Maybe it’s me, maybe if you were not familiar with the material you could watch this movie and forget it the next day but you know what screw you movie.
While were attacking movies based on books: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Now I remember liking the book but I always disliked this movie. And the more I think about the more I hate it. It’s really unfortunate too because it’s sandwiched between to really good movies. The triwizard turny takes pretty much the whole screen time leaving none for characters or smaller moments(ie not balls to the walls action) and it’s not a short movie you guys its 2 and 1/2 hours! There’s a reason that book is one of the longest cause Rowling knew she had to balance out all the action with some other stuff. But these movie makers didn’t. You know I think my other problem with it is that the story is pretty disconnected until the end from the whole Voldemort thing. I guess the third movie is as well, I find the difference being that the story about Black and Lupin and all that pretty interesting as opposed to the “I’m going to win a tournament thingy YAY”
It just seems a really stupid way to get Harry to his confrontation with Voldemort. And to be fair that confrontation isn’t bad yet it wilts when compared to the wizard battles in subsequent films it. But the entire film just left kind of a bad taste in my mouth.
Mr. Bean’s Holiday is Shite with a capital S when compared to the series. And it’s as simple as the fact that you can’t carry out a 90 minute film with your main character not talking. There are funny scenes to be fair but as a whole the movie just isn’t that funny and doesn’t hold anything in the way of story. It seems like they were trying to hard to capture what they had done years before, and the ending scene which has been described as “sweet” and “cute” doesn’t work. You can’t have your movie that’s been nothing but slapstick from a mute turn into a heartwarming sappy thing at the last minute. I’m sorry Mr. Bean, turns out you didn’t need a holiday you just needed to quit(as depressing as that sounds).
OK that’s enough movie bashing for now. Remember what you were taught here. Please comment with the movies that you hate and be sure to include why.